Opinion piece: Boys do cry

Boys Do Cry

"Boys don't cry". Although this saying is used less and less, it still exists. But what does this statement actually say? Should we take it literally? No, of course not, because we know that boys do cry. So what does this statement refer to then? It is a statement meant to make the definition of the word 'boy', and by extension the word 'man', into something it is not. This kind of statement is used to make a distinction between supposedly "real" and "fake" masculinity. This distinction ironically has the effect of causing many men who want to be "really" masculine or tough to behave in ways that are anything but that. In an attempt to project how masculine someone is, they play a game with themselves. A game in which certain traits are magnified and certain traits are repressed. It causes people to deal with emotions in an unhealthy way: real men do not cry and therefore anger is seen as the "masculine" alternative to other, often healthier, expressions of emotion.

This 'gatekeeping' of masculinity has more negative consequences. There is a certain fear of being seen as less masculine, and in conjunction with homophobia, statements like "tea is gay" come out of this. There is a pressure on boys to conform to these kinds of arbitrary standards. This starts as early as upbringing. How often do young boys hear that they should not do something because it is "girly". This teaches children from a young age that they have to conform to gender norms; the disgust many men have for the colour pink is a perfect example of this. It is quite normal for boys to distance themselves as much as possible from these "girly" things. They go down on others who do wear pink, taking social distance from that person to avoid being considered "girly" as well. Those who don't go along with this still fall by the wayside. As a result, many young men choose to ridicule whoever breaks the norm as well, and this is how this phenomenon is perpetuated.

It is disguising who you are for the purpose of belonging. It is desperately protecting the image others have of you to keep out anything that could be seen as "weak". Boys cry, so do men. And expressing yourself, in any way, will always be tough.

With this piece, I do not mean to say, that there are no positive and healthy aspects that we see as part of masculinity. But personally, I believe we should value these aspects in their own right. And not because it brings us closer to an invented ideal image of masculinity. There are centuries of stereotypes attached to concepts like masculine and feminine, and perhaps it would be better if we let them go.

Gosse Kamminga,

Editorial board DWARS Groningen